# 123 - Serving and Struggling

In the midst of trying to keep up with my health, as much as possible, I took on a task that I thought might be approachable. First of all, before I had heard back from the Social Security Administration on my disability hearing decision, I had been summoned to appear before court as a potential Grand Jury member.

Never did I imagine that I would be selected. I could not check the "disability" box at that date because a formal decision had not been made and this was a court summons I am dealing with. I figured I would show up, go through the selection process, then go home.

Since I am struggling with my health on a day to day basis, I wake up and never can tell if the day will find me feeling strong or in a bad place. All I can do with the level of deterioration I have experienced is to go at the pace my body sets for me and try to do the right things to give myself as many good days, per week, as I can grab.

Oh, I am good at putting on a smile and appearing as healthy as possible to outsiders. But, I cannot hold up to prolonged activities. Those who are around me regularly know more about my limitations and are prepared for a sudden crash. Others...I make my exit before it happens. Well, at least I do my best to make an exit so I am not embarrassed terribly by my body not cooperating.

As luck would have it, the judge selected me to serve on the Grand Jury panel. I sat there and tried to breath normally. Two days per week. That doesn't seem like much, but the issue with MY body is that I can never rely upon my body to operate correctly. I might have two good days per week, but those days might not fall upon the days that I'm needed for service. I felt a bit panicked.

I sit there among the others being selected and I keep telling myself that I will simply cater my life around serving on the Grand Jury so that I can make it through those two days per week, as best as I can. The big problem is that service is for three months. But, a good part of this difficult situation was that my husband works in the same building I would be serving as a Grand Juror...this means I could ride to court with him and go home with him as the driver. Being on the road is very challenging for me because of my reconstructed cervical spine. I don't like having this difficulty, but it's part of my life and part of the considerations I must make when needing to travel.

After the selection process and after hearing my name called for service, I kept telling myself that I could do it. Positive talk began to flow through my head. I could do this! Yes, I am indeed disabled, but I am ALLOWED to earn poverty level income and to do minimal work --- once a formal decision had been made --- so I knew I would still be okay with serving, even with a disability label attached to me. Many disabled persons find the energy and time to volunteer or to serve the community in whatever capacity their body allows. The problem is...the capacity is not reliable enough to earn a paying position that would require consistency and good health to keep up.

However, as I sat in the jury box with my name on the list as those who would serve for this Grand Jury term, I held my breath as I heard the judge select me as Grand Jury Foreman.

Foreman?

How could I lead a Grand Jury for three months when I could not even guarantee that I could lift my head off the pillow each morning? Everyone sitting in the jury box with me began to look my direction. I gave a smile of appreciation and remembered that my position allowed for absences.

To date, I've served two months on the Grand Jury. After my service had begun, I finally got my letter of disability in the mail and my attorney said there was no problem with me serving on a Grand Jury, that many disabled persons serve because they are one of the few, along with the retired, who have the time to dedicate two days per week for this kind of service. Although, my attorney also expressed concern at my physical ability to keep up with this service.

I knew, all along, that this service would take a hard toll on my body. I knew it would eat into my "good days" left for myself and for my family during the rest of the week. I knew this position would expose me to mass populations in the city and to germs that I have great difficulty battling with my suppressed immune system. But, once I was selected to be Foreman, I felt tremendously compelled to fulfill the duty while knowing that I would never again be able to do so. In the future, I would have my disability ruling to provide so that I can avoid putting myself in this situation.

Yes, it's been very challenging for me on a physical level. There are many nights I am not able to sleep but three hours before having to go in for a hard day of service. We hear approximately 80 cases per day, which include many sexual assaults of a child, brutal murders, investigations and everything else you can imagine. Since I live in the Greater Houston area, we see it all. Some of it makes my stomach turn. Having Addison's does not add to my situation of being in extremely stressful situations two days per week. Anyone who knows of serving on a Grand Jury knows it goes above and beyond serving on a regular jury...it's for an extended commitment and includes heavy case-load and a broad scope of felonies. We do not hear misdemeanor stuff, we hear the disturbing part of criminal nature.

I have no problem admitting that I am a strong, yet diplomatic leader. If I am going to be Foreman, I am there and we have order in our proceedings. However, it's not a popularity contest. I must be firm, guiding, ensuring that respect remains among all jury members and keep us on track.

However, I have had to miss twice. On average, many jurors seem to miss about two times. Others never miss one date of service. If I am feeling very weak and there doesn't seem to be enough Hydrocortisone to get me up and going on a functional level, then I don't try to put myself in an early grave. I call in and miss my whopping $28.00 for the day. The month of May also gave us a holiday which fell on one day of service, so that gave me an additional break.

During the last few weeks, I've had doctor appointment after doctor appointment. As usual, I am battling constant viruses and bacterial infections. I have even had a double biopsy of the uterus. Other doctors have ran invasive, painful tests to reveal one of my cultures being positive for Klebsiella Pneumoniae, which is a type of bacteria you do not want to battle.

The toll that serving has caused is fully apparent to me when I look at my house. The two days that I'm gone for Grand Jury, trying my best to keep up and paying a price that impacts me for, at least, the following day of being down and out, I can see that my house is neglected. That two days per week of extra rest allows me to somewhat keep up with the house on a level that keeps it clean and tidy. Serving on the Grand Jury has created a dip into my reserves that are taking a huge toll on my homelife and my daily health. I just don't have it in me to do this week after week, without a break to "recover" and to allow my body to rest while battling other issues. It's been a hard pill for me to swallow, a confirmation that I am more weak than I had even imagined. This past year, my increased resting state had allowed me to more fully enjoy moments with my family or moments on our acreage. But, this service that has now been going on for two months has shown me that I have little left to give. I must reserve my energy and prepare my body to be able to efficiently endure next week's two days of great stress and strain.

I have June left. Then, it's over. My husband has been very concerned and thinks I should bow out gracefully. However, I feel as if I've come this far and can keep trying until the very end. It's difficult on me, but here I am, in this situation and I want the Grand Jury to finish their commitment. Since other members of the jury have high absenteeism, I cannot add mine to the mix. They have twelve people and need nine for a vote, they prefer to have ten present for a vote to neutralize a rogue radical that might be on board. So, there's a lot of pressure to make it to service every Monday and Thursday.

Since I now have a very dangerous bacteria to battle, it's become more precarious for me to continue doing more than I am really capable of doing. I'm in a bad position. My body hurts, is weakened from the immune system being attacked by this bacteria and the medications have their own side-effects. I want to give my body every possible angle to do a good battle, so I am having to be in a resting state during my days at home, much more often. It is frustrating to me. I feel completely drained.

And it doesn't help the Addison's situation to go to the courthouse to see pictures and to have a jail house inmate testifying in front of you about his baby's head being smashed in like a pumpkin that hit the concrete, over and over. After all, he only wanted to play his video games in peace!

Hearing of families being sexually assaulted, together, by a crazed intruder can wreak havoc upon your emotions. I keep it cool while serving as Foreman, but I have my days when I come home and cry and wonder about the direction of humanity. Being on a Grand Jury is very trying. One of the men just told me that he leaves every session with an extremely heavy heart. He is in his 60's and has told me that no other life event has impacted him as hard as serving on this Grand Jury. Yes, it includes horrific moments.

Then, there are the moments when we all laugh about certain cases, such as the robbery team that broke into a sex shop, took off their masks to be caught on video and then one of the robbers actually tried to return stolen goods the next day because it was disappointing. Yes, those moments give you pause to laugh so hard that your side hurts.

Anyway, I continue forward. Not knowing whether or not I'll be able to keep up until the end and if I can't, I will be humiliated by my body's inability to do what I want and need it to do. I feel compelled to serve my city in the capacity for which I was selected. I have citizens who have been accused and citizens who have been terribly victimized that are counting on our Grand Jury to help them have their day in court so that justice can be administered. I don't want to hinder the process.

For those of you who pray out there...I could use your prayers. I want to beat this bacteria that has a 50-50%  survival rate because of it being so difficult to beat. So far, for over ten years, I have continued to beat the odds, and I want to keep doing so.

For now, I'll probably have a high level of frustration with my non-cooperating body. I cannot keep showing our house to potential buyers during this increased weakness of my abilities. Things feel strained and difficult, yet I continue to move forward as best I can and having the love of my husband is the best salve I can have during these problems. He is loving and supportive; knowing I am stubborn, he respects my decisions, but knows I am struggling every day and feeling very sick.

I don't like feeling sick so many days per week. I think some of my Grand Jury members see it in me. I'm a business woman, so I can handle the proceedings, even under difficult conditions, but there are a couple who look as if they've had a few battles of their own so they are wearing eyes of understanding that seem to drill into the core of me.

Rushing time by is not a way to live, wanting time to quickly pass is not a way to live, but I can't deny that I will be celebrating the end of June. My service will be at an official end and I will be free to obey my body in a more respectful, healthy way so it can be stronger for its continued, ongoing battles. Meanwhile, I am finding my needed strength in prayer and extra down-time. I pray that my service makes a difference to someone out there...

# 122 - Dreaded Dentist is My Friend!

I don't think I've ever heard of anyone who relished going to the dentist. However, since I began receiving treatment for Addison's disease, my dental health went to the dogs.

My deteriorating dental condition is probably the mixed result of becoming seriously ill for an extended period of time, from steroid treatment that does take a toll on the body, whether it is replacement value or not, and maybe a tad of it is age. However, after my Addison's diagnosis was made, my mouth quickly became a battlefield. Before my Addison's diagnosis, I simply enjoyed yearly cleanings with minimal intervention. Afterward, it's become so bad that I've learned to use the over-the-counter temporary filling fixative to create my own fillings when necessary; I can't live in the dental chair.

Fortunately, my dentist has been our family dentist for about twenty years. Everyone in our family goes to him. He's a brave man who is not afraid of hard work and he has a lot of experience under his belt to keep putting out the fires in my mouth. Over the years, I have spent time, a lot of pain and too much money with getting second and third opinions...all other dentists would have simply been pulling teeth to avoid the hard work necessary to help me keep my teeth together for a longer period of time. My dentist does everything imaginable to help each tooth last for as long as possible, even if the methods are unconventional, they are workable solutions that my teeth and body respond positively to. I'm thrilled that my dentist has helped to keep my jawline intact for a longer period of time.


Regardless, I am never thrilled about going to the dentist, family friend or not. I've had so many root canals that it seems I should have a canal named after me.

# 121 - Consequences of Life Impact 100% of the Population

Dealing with a chronic medical condition opens you up to a host of other issues that might want to tag along behind the main problem. It's often part of what happens after your body starts to have a medical problem, for so many of us, it's just the beginning.

As for me, when I fell critically ill with Addison's disease...I discovered that many "lay" people will instantly gravitate toward pointing a finger with laughable "educated" guesses as to what could have caused you to "come down" with that condition. I've discovered that it is often human nature to display this lame attitude that spouts "I can't get that disease because I didn't do x, y, and x!" It's as if they believe an invisible protective barrier can be put between them and such a medical condition because they have lived in a way that has guaranteed their inability to be inflicted. Well folks, there are no guarantees out there. Many conditions have links to suggested causes, but some disease are completely without rhyme or reason for who gets it and for what age it can sneak up on you. With Addison's disease, for my situation, it sort of went like this...get in line and be forced to draw one of 100,000 tickets stuffed in a barrel, it seems nearly impossible to end up with the unlucky Addison's disease ticket, but you reach in, grab the ticket and turn it over to find it's the Addison's disease ticket. And there's no turning back.

Many people battling various health issues along with people who suffer sudden terrible injuries can find themselves holding one of these unlucky draws. You wish to be able to do it over again, but life can put into our hands a circumstance that we didn't want to find ourselves holding. However, if you are finding yourself staring down a bad situation, you must confront it with knowledge, courage and with as much endurance as you can muster.

As for Addison's disease and adrenal disorders, so many afflicted do become very ill. Their lives are often altered, permanently. Others feel fine one day and the next are flat on their back. I guess my point is that very few people diagnosed with this disease are living in a body that feels the same as it did in their pre-Addison's days. For those who have not been impacted much or for those who were "diagnosed" prior to their body going completely kaput on them, well, those people are very fortunate, they lucked out on drawing that particular ticket. However, I can tell you, unequivocally, that my body going into a Code Blue due to being undiagnosed for so long was not a pleasant experience and many others with adrenal disorders have also found themselves very ill, struggling day by day. My Code Blue is what grabbed the white coats in the hospital by the collar and forced them to look in places for a solution that had not yet been searched. My treatment for Addison's did not come until after complete medical testing had taken place to confirm or deny Addison's disease. However, the suspected diagnosis was so strongly supported by symptoms and available test results that the doctor had the meds ready and waiting to be administered as soon as all testing had been completed. They closely watched me, ready to act, but they didn't want to burden me with an Addison's disease label, without having testing to back-up the diagnosis. This is a hard line to walk...dangerous...but I was in the hospital and hooked up to every machine imaginable. The suspicion was confirmed and I appreciate this strong stance so I wouldn't be taking drugs that my body really didn't need for the rest of my life. I can tell you that an Addison's Crisis is not the same as having a bad day with low energy levels...left untreated, it is INCAPACITATING. Period.

As soon as the testing was complete, the miraculous treatment began...before the results were in, they believed they had found a solution and it was confirmed in an upfront manner as soon as those drugs were put into my IV and I began to again be able to hold my head upright by myself, to sit up in the hospital bed and to even begin walking again! FINALLY, I could withstand moving into an upright position without passing out. They sent a physical therapist to my hopsital room and they placed a "walking/stabilizing" belt around my waist so they could hold onto the loop of the belt at my back as I walked. I was 33 years old, getting help to walk again, but having to use a walker. The nurses were clapping. I felt amazing. Little did I know that a long, hard road would be in front of me. Those first few triumphant steps after receiving treatment for Addison's disease would not be a "cure all" equivalent. Hard lessons would remain in my path to become stabilized. My condition had become "brittle" and that is not a good thing; it is more difficult to become leveled out if your condition is brittle.

But, for the record, I wanted to make it known that I had been in great shape prior to becoming terribly ill with Addison's disease. I never smoked, was NOT a drinker, never did drugs...my life had been squeaky clean. I ate great, worked out...even had a membership at the YMCA with my entire family, I played racquetball, biked, hiked, camped and led a very, very, very active lifestyle. I worked and lived for my moments outdoors. My children grew up outdoors because both my husband and I cherished every outdoor moment. As most other families were inside, trying to avoid the heat and playing video games month after month, we were taking weekend trips all over Texas...truly LIVING life and experiencing nature first-hand.

Then, my body shut down, literally. It shut down. I can look back and see how the symptoms were creeping up on me, such as the sluggish walking-through-mud kind of sensation I'd feel during a simple walk, but I still feel as if the big Addisonian crash hit me rather fast.

Since I'd lived such a healthy, active lifestyle, the doctors could not figure out what had happened to cause my body to be impacted by this disease.

There was a tracing back to my teenage-hood of moments recorded with extremely low blood pressure, high heart rate and low sodium, but the racing heart moments always passed and happened sporadically. Once my body went into shut-down mode at 33 years of age, I found myself trapped, like a ragdoll.

For the record, my doctor told me that he was certain I would have not survived this critical state of illness UNLESS I had been in such good physical condition when the worst happened. My strong physical state and life-time of active living definitely helped me to survive the worst of times, precious time as world-renowned doctors were given a bit more time to scratch their heads and to finally find an answer.

Therefore, I'm grateful for my random good choices that positively impacted my situation with this rare disease. Making the personal choice to not drink had probably saved me in a huge way...alcohol depresses and relaxes our muscles, my lack of cortisol would have created a lethal mix with alcohol during those times. If I had drank during those months of my life disintegrating, I would have contributed to a faster downfall and probably would have lessened my chance of getting that life-saving diagnosis in the nick of time.

Regardless, I have been through major testing by all kinds of doctors in Houston's Medical Center in an attempt to find an answer. I've found it highly interesting that one of the suggested links was that my blood-work had tested positive for the Epstein Barr virus and it is believed that my body's response might have gone haywire in the attempt to battle the virus. Lately, I've been reading of other Addison buddies who experienced smilar suggestions. If that had been the case, then my adrenal glands had been mistakenly assaulted by my own system trying to heal itself, kind of like the adrenals were unfortunate victims of friendly fire.

This is auto-immune chaos at work. Perhaps that is what happened. I don't know. A solid answer was never found to this perplexing question for my particular situation with Addison's disease. There are other suggested reasons for me developing Addison's disease, but no one really knows an answer.

Yes, it would be nice to know what went wrong so that we could all learn from it, especially since this is not a common condition. For my own children, I wish I knew the reason this rare disease picked my body as a permanent residence. However, it is important, to me, that I keep moving forward and continually try to live the best way possible so that I can enjoy the few good days per week that I am given.

Going down the rapids with my friend, Stephanie.

For those of us who watch someone battling cancer of watching people struggle with heart disease...we cannot be so eager to point fingers of judgment for their condition. I always tell people to be careful because those fingers might be pointing your direction, next week. You never know.

After all, each of us is doing SOMETHING, day by day, that could possibly produce tragic results. Heck, a good friend of the family is running every major marathon within a 400 mile radius that she can enter, while knowing her joints are in serious jeopardy from the constant impact...it's not necessarily a good thing FOR her, but she's kind of addicted. She feels as if the act of running is good for everyone, but that's become a moot point, even for her own body. I stood by her the other day as she pointed to people with a big gut while she made ignorant comments about their diet causing problems and I just shook my head as I wondered if she even realized that her own acts were about to put her down a very "hard" road of premature joint replacements. For those kinds of people, you can't really reason with them. As my husband always said, "You can't reason with the unreasonable."

I guess each of us should do what we feel we need to do or want to do, within reason, without excuses for "bad" choices, embracing as many healthy boundaries as we can, but do it while embracing compassion for others who are trying to make it in this world. Taking responsibility for our lives is extremely serious, but there are, for ALL OF US, consequences down the road awaiting us, in one way or another. Some of us rush to meet it, on purpose, while others are ducking and dodging, doing their best to avoid life's punches. As for me, I'm ducking and dodging; it's not as easy, but I keep moving! Regardless, I CAN guarantee that 100% of us will eventually meet the end of this life with final consequences...just because we have been a living being. Living and dying go hand in hand. I'd prefer to put off the dying part of the equation for as long as possible, but I can't say that I'm a "perfectionist" at being a human being. I've not met anyone else who has been either, except for the guy who advertised for drinking home-made veggie juices, but he couldn't avoid the final consequences of life either. My point is...if you brag about your strong legs today, they might be gone tomorrow from a car accident; if you feel smug about your strong physique today, you might find yourself with a funky virus tomorrow that causes muscle wasting; today does not guarantee tomorrow and our choices do not always guarantee a life free from complications, in every area of life, including our health.

Willing minds, eager for deeper understanding in life will get it faster than the next...a pointing finger is always attached to another imperfect human body. Becoming more compassionate and alert to the suffering of others is always a good stance for us to take, especially if we hope to receive the same from others. Our choices do have an impact on us directly, heck, I have already touched my fair share of public door handles this week. How about you? Are you living recklessly!?

# 120 - Tomatoes Make Life Better!

Living life to the fullest might mean different things for different people, depending on their physical abilities. There was a time in my life when I THOUGHT that living it up meant staying busy with all sorts of activities until I dropped at night from pure exhaustion.

These days, I find delight and beauty in the most simple of moments. Even though my body won't keep up at the same pace as my pre-Addison's days with other complications, I still find such incredible fun and freedom in the most ordinary things.

This weekend, my husband was installing a low fence of trellis around our backyard vegetable garden because it is being trampled by our chickens. It was a beautiful breezy day outside and he was dragging out the compressor to which he would be attaching equipment for his construction project.

As he began to use the pneumatic staple gun, I watched and wondered if I could handle the weight and the power of any kick-back while shooting out the staples. I decided to give it a try. Now, granted, I would be handed a pink slip on a job site due to my slowness and lack of endurance, but I still wanted to give it a try! My husband is patient and willing to indulge me in a moment of pneumatic-power lessons.

Even though I barely helped with the fence because I was overly eager with stapling every board in sight, it feels good to know that I stapled a few of those trellis boards into place as my husband held everything in place.

I sure wish I could build something substantial. In my condition, one project might take quite a long while, but the willingness to participate and to contribute is ALWAYS present. My mind never gives up before the body.

Since our chickens won't be able to peck and scratch the garden to rubble due to the fence blocking their access, I'm eagerly looking forward to my fresh, juicy, vine-ripened tomatoes to be ready for picking! Even better, now that our Sweet Basil is growing strong, I'm eagerly awaiting the day I again get to enjoy a seasonal bowl of tomatoes, bits of basil, a few chunks of avocado with cuts of mozzarella...drizzled with a tad bit of olive oil, then salt and peppered. Talk about fresh, delicious and addictive!

I have everything ready but the tomatoes! I'm cheering on their growth every day! This year, we're growing several different varieties, which is always entertaining for a life-long gardener.

As I stop to ponder my simple moments this weekend, I would have to guess that my best moments in life are mostly tied to things related to home. Outside of the home, I still have a great time and am fulfilling my own interests, as usual, but home is a marvelous place to be, especially with tomatoes growing strong in the backyard!

You can't beat the moments of biting into a home-grown tomato!

# 119 - Dreaded Medical Tests

The past few weeks have been a roller-coaster for most of our immediate family because of medical scares. First of all, I'm writing today about a few tests I've been going through. If you are squeamish, please stop reading and go find something else to read about. Fair warning.

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A week ago, I had two tests, a Mammogram and a Vaginal-Ultrasound, both on the same day. I can attest to the fact that I felt prodded, squished, poked and violated by the day's end!

To be fair, my mammogram was conducted at the WONDERFUL Breast Clinic in the Clear Lake area. They were awesome, even though I felt permanently altered by the end of the session due to severe compression, it wasn't anything to be scared about.

I thought about the women who avoid mammograms and wanted to yell, "It's no big deal! Even though you'll NEVER look at your boobs the same again after seeing them through the clear plastic as they are flattened by the nurse hand-cranking the machine down on you, it's okay!"

No worries! I don't think they've seen a boob explosion, yet.

For me, I don't miss my scheduled mammograms. My mom died from breast cancer at 57 years of age. As they are cranking down that contraption to squish the breast tissue as flat as possible to do a radiological skimming for potential tumors, I'm not really thinking about anything except that I hope my life-time will see an end to cancer. I always hope the mammogram will reveal no issues or if a problem is detected, I pray that it is handled early and pro-actively.



My mom and dad, at M.D. Anderson, shortly before
she moved onto her Heavenly address.

That same day I also had to get a Vaginal Ultrasound. For you male readers out there, you SHOULD know what this is about, especially if you have moms, sisters, daughters, a wife or two...you should be knowledgeable. And I insist that you be knowledgeable because I had my first V-Ultrasound years ago and had NO IDEA what I was about to go through.

Years ago, I only knew I was scheduled for an ordinary ultrasound. Heck, I've had ultrasounds before, no biggie. Except, this time, there was definitely a "biggie" involved that shocked the living daylight out of me.

Lying back on the table with a blanket over me, the technologist pulled out this long "magic wand" looking piece of equipment and was putting a fitted plastic bag over it, kind of like the thermometer sheath that is slipped on before your temperature is taken. Yes, it was a Magic Wand condom.

I laid there wide-eyed as the technician said, "I'll need you to remove everything from the waist down; you can use those blankets to keep covered."

My mind begins to race...What the heck? If this is an ULTRASOUND...Why does EVERYTHING below the waist need to be removed? I stared in horror at the "wand" in her hand and asked, "What is THAT?"

Suddenly, the technologist's expression turned as horrified as my own. She asked, "No one told you about this ultrasound?" I shook my head in the negative while not taking my eyes off the wand and she continued, "This appointment is for a vaginal ultrasound and this tool has a camera on the end; I insert it into your vagina and take ultrasound photos."

Stunned, I laid there and murmured, "Nope, no one told me that I was having this kind of ultrasound. They only said the word 'ultrasound' and never used the word 'vagina' -- believe me, I'd pay attention to that word. In fact, I didn't even know this kind of test EXISTED, until this very moment."

From there, the nurse told me that I could take as much time as I needed to get ready or I could decide to not do it, but I did have palpable benign tumors or fibroids that needed to be viewed "close up." Yeah, I'll say that's a very close up view!

I decided to have my fibroids put on a big smile and went for it.

At least this most recent appointment found me prepared for understanding what I was getting myself into. I'd already met the "magic wand" and knew its purpose, even though it appeared to wave around like a banner of creative-medical-imaging gone awry.

It doesn't really hurt to have this test, but I will say it is not a comfortable test either. If you need one of these tests or know someone who needs one...don't shun away from having a test that might detect something amiss. That dreaded test could be the start of life-saving decisions.

I guess men could also go through this test...in another area...if one area can be probed, so can another. Since I was ignorant about this test, I don't want to put limits on its potential.

ANYWAY...this week I followed up with the Mammogram and V-Ultrasound results that BOTH came back as abnormal. Not the results you want to receive. But, the Breast Clinic had me come in for an ultrasound, no probing and no needles were necessary, only a simple breast ultrasound, and the doctor announced happily that I only have fluid-filled BENIGN cysts! Nothing to worry about! Thank God.

Of course, Stefie, in the midst of her own worries and
busy life is sweet to make sure I knew she was
sending me love and saying her prayers. It's great
to have people like her in your life. I am blessed!

Then, the V-Ultrasound abnormal results found me scheduled for a Uterine/Endometrial Biopsy. I had that unpleasant procedure performed yesterday. Turns out, I needed to have two separate biopsy zones and it was NOT a pleasant experience. Immediately after the procedure, the pain was so bad that I nearly began vomiting and almost passed out, even while lying down. I broke out into a clammy sweat and was terribly shaking after the biopsies.

My doctor's office uses no form of anesthesia, some doctors will use lydocaine. I would NOT have this done again by a doctor who doesn't use a topical anesthesia. However, my doctor is amazing. He knows this is a painful procedure, especially for women like myself who have a "chandelier cervix" that must first be manually rotated, then clamped in place before a biopsy can begin. But, as the biopsy took place, I definitely felt the removal of tissue in a long scraping motion, then a plunger kind of ending that seemed to nearly pull my entire uterus with it, and the cramping was horrible at that point, probably up there with labor pains. But, the worse part, for me, was when he said, "I need to clean the cervix of any blood or rogue cells, then I've got to go in again for another biopsy; I want to go the extra mile right now and do the the other side of the uterus."

I nearly rolled off the table and slithered out of the room with my bare butt in view. The second biopsy was the worst part of it all. I nearly shot off the table in pain.

Afterward, I laid on the table for about 20 minutes, trying to make my eyes focus again. The sweet nurse put cold compresses on my forehead and told me to remain lying down, to not even try to sit up by myself. Apparently, my face had absolutely no color left in it. At one point, I could see her mouth moving, but could not hear sound...I knew I was close to la-la-land.

By the way, I drove myself to and from this appointment. I don't like to be around others when I am suffering; I've been through a LOT in life and prefer to be by myself when having a bad moment. Plus, I didn't want Deputy Dave to take off any time from work for TESTS. After all, if any of these results come back ugly, he will probably need that time off for more serious considerations.

My test results on these biopsies won't be back until the end of next week. I'm hoping they will find the reason behind my 43 year old body no longer having periods for the past year. I thought I was pre-pre-pre-menopausal, but that's not the case. Turns out, there's something wrong...there's a reason my body is not working right and the next step is to see a doctor about my kidneys. Process of elimination folks. Not a fun process, but necessary.

Deputy Dave made me a dinner that was fit for a Queen. I didn't have much of an appetite, but each bite was pure deliciousness! And, he even got me Key-lime pie! It's great to have a man in my life who shows his love in this manner. He might not always express it in words, but that's when we've got to learn that words are often empty and demanded out of pure selfishness...but seeing love in action is something solid and meaningful. I looked at my dinner plate last night, heavy-laden with Porterhouse steak, a loaded baked potato, sweet potato with cinnamon - covered in roasted marshmallows, broccoli and cheese, and crescent roll while knowing his love was baked into every bite. For him, cooking is an extension of his nurturing. Plus, he's good at it!

Last night, I laid in bed and the uterine pain was not lessening. I could feel the tears and cuts very plainly along with bad radial cramping. It didn't make for a restful night. Today, I've been a lump on the mattress, staying still and trying to heal --- which I already have issues with healing due to a rare condition, so I just want to get patched up.

Tonight, we had a special date planned; I'm not going to miss it. It's just here in Houston, so I won't have to be out long and I think I can handle it.

I just hope we're getting close to an answer as to why my body is malfunctioning in this area. My uterus is no longer needed, so I would not be devastated about having it removed. That's been one of the areas of discussion, but we also discussed leaving well enough alone if that is not the source of the problem. I guess we'll see how it goes. And I leave it in God's hands. I won't be worried until the time comes to put worry to good use. For now, it would be senseless.

My sister and I at a wedding a couple of years ago.
We are closer than close can be. My sister sent me constant
text messages throughout my painful day, letting me know that
she was with me in spirit.

I'm so blessed to have life-long girlfriends who are super supportive, most of my family are generous and are eager to share burdens, offering loving support during difficult times such as these. My brother even called me the day before my biopsies to shoot the breeze, for a long time. So nice to have family like I've been blessed to have. It's always wonderful to be loved and to know that there will be a day when you will probably be given the chance to give the same kind of supportive love to them in return, not for regular "happy" EASY day-to-day moments, but for those times when it is hard to find words.

For my finale...my words are...MY UTERUS HURTS!