Monday, April 11, 2011

#58 - Canvas of Illness

Canvas of Illness
Not the most Salon-Style of art, but this actually is an artistic expression of what my illness has meant for me in color. Starting from the left, I had mostly bright days, with blue peacefulness and green worldly fun and there is a sudden delineation after illness finds me, then the brown, murky numbness begins and is mixed with anger as my body is failing. Blackness and darkness enter my world, crowding out most else as I struggle to re-emerge from the dying process; the disease has shadowed me.

Eventually, I get a diagnosis and begin to join the world of the living again, but I am not the same. My brightness is not so all-encompassing anymore, it's now rather directed and controlled, but my sense of peace is growing. Of course, new battles keep popping up and that brings times of darkness again and times of just feeling numb because I can see that the "old" me is moving further away. A bit more red angry comes into my life because I realize nothing will be the same. I have to sacrifice, my family must sacrifice, I lose so much that I worked for, my body is changing and I feel out of control at times. What happened to the woman who was on top of the world?

Adapting to life, to medicine, to doctors, to testing and to learning to recognize subtle symptoms before the "biggie" crisis hits, I am drifting into acceptance and peaceful blueness is spreading and even though the brightness is less, it is more powerful when it hits. Everything is more potent.

Life has transitioned and I am who I am.

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