|Canvas of Illness|
Eventually, I get a diagnosis and begin to join the world of the living again, but I am not the same. My brightness is not so all-encompassing anymore, it's now rather directed and controlled, but my sense of peace is growing. Of course, new battles keep popping up and that brings times of darkness again and times of just feeling numb because I can see that the "old" me is moving further away. A bit more red angry comes into my life because I realize nothing will be the same. I have to sacrifice, my family must sacrifice, I lose so much that I worked for, my body is changing and I feel out of control at times. What happened to the woman who was on top of the world?
Adapting to life, to medicine, to doctors, to testing and to learning to recognize subtle symptoms before the "biggie" crisis hits, I am drifting into acceptance and peaceful blueness is spreading and even though the brightness is less, it is more powerful when it hits. Everything is more potent.
Life has transitioned and I am who I am.