Sometimes we can feel as if life is steamrolling us.
Life is full of challenges. I am going through several simultaneously. Isn't that the way it goes sometimes? Yes, I'm stuck in a place of feeling as if I am being steamrolled. Of course, it would be easier to deal with certain things if there were more time in between each event, but all of it is rather jam-packed into the same time-frame, and that's how it is going for me these days. I come up for air every chance I get.
Regardless, I will keep moving forward while knowing that dark days will soon give way to light. I'm an eternal optimist, so I know things will end up better than ever, as long as I hang in there.
One problem I've been encountering is serious nose bleeds. In the past 24 hours alone, I have been battling nose bleeds that make my surroundings look like a crime scene. I will be completely unsuspecting, perhaps reading a book, and all of a sudden I will feel a warm trickle going down my face. My nosebleeds are so serious that I have to cup my hands to catch the flowing blood and run to the sink. Usually, it stops as fast as it began. My nose is free of any sores or irritation, the blood is coming from higher...from somewhere that is obviously under pressure and needing release.
I was supposed to get an MRI of the brain this past summer, but I never went. Actually, the diagnostic imaging place was constantly back-logged and having trouble fitting me into the schedule, then I let life get in the way. Anyway, I think it's time to get it done.
Last night, as I laid in bed, sound asleep, I woke up with my throat full of blood and I reached my hand to my face, in the dark, and felt the warm wet sensation. Are you serious? Well, that my was first thought in frustration. In my sleep? This is ridiculous!
In a hurry, I turned on my nightlight to find my hand covered in blood. Fortunately, I had my tissue close by and was able to catch the blood as my head tilted forward off the pillow. I realized that this can't keep happening. Something is going on. Plus, the wobbly head sensation I've been having lately sure doesn't put me at ease. But, I have so many other things going on that it's hard to tackle each separate problem, which makes it overwhelming to decide which area to focus on first. Then, I remember to keep taking step after step, working to slowly diminish my list of problems with special attention to the most immediate issues.
I tried to think of what I have done differently to perhaps cause these nosebleeds --- all I can think of is that I've over-done it in the house this week to get it ready for showings, trying to get it sold. Today, I am forcing myself to stay in bed. If a vessel is under pressure, I'm giving it a break today.
On top of this most recent problem and is reoccuring and demanding my immediate attention, I have been forced to face the fact that I'm about to be admitted into the hospital, and if you are a regular reader, you KNOW how much I detest being in the hospital, for anything.
For the family members who do their part to stay in touch with me and who are interested in me as well as me being interested in them, they know that I have a hospital admission already planned for the first week of November. My doctor wanted to admit me next week, but I refused because my daughter is getting married in about two weeks. I don't want to take the chance on having something go wrong and me end up not being able to walk out of that hospital and be well enough to attend the wedding. I won't chance it. So, I asked him to push it back. Of course, he thinks I'm nuts, but it's not every day that your daughter is getting married. Also, I don't want to have anything done until she's returned from her honeymoon; if something were to go wrong, the last thing I would want is for my daughter to have her honeymoon tainted by a dreaded phone call.
If I have a choice in the matter, I will put myself on hold until after the wedding excitement and honeymoon is over. It might be the wrong choice, I realize that, but for me, it's the right choice for the time.
This wedding is more important to me than I can express. Even though I am struggling, I am determined to be present and without additional worries for this wedding. Afterward, I can be admitted to the hospital and hope everything goes well. Perhaps it will all go so well that I'll be able to breeze through everything and come right back home, but my doctor is taking extra precautions. If it doesn't go well, I won't have the added stress and pressure of feeling as if my situation is causing my kids heartache during a time of expected joy.
My sister knows of my hospital admission date and she will be by my side to make any decision necessary. My youngest daughter might be available as well and she'd be my first choice for necessary decisions regarding my health, if I happen to be knocked out and needing representation. My doctor has made it clear that I need to make sure that arrangements are made for a person to be able to act on my behalf, so I am ready. I'm doing my part. However, my youngest daughter is going through her own problems and so my sister is ready to step in and be the one to help, if needed.
For now, I am concerned that my nosebleeds might interfere with the anesthesia that I will be receiving while in the hospital. Even if I am knocked out, just like last night, a nosebleed might start and I am concerned that no one would know about it until I am in distress, especially because of the amount of blood that is involved. All I can do is make them hyper-aware of this potential problem and hope they stay alert enough to handle it, if it should happen at the most inopportune moment.
As for my hospitalization and upcoming procedures, this is following an amazing Baylor doctor taking my previous CTScans from this past June, scans of my abdomen, and he ordered a second-opinion radiology report. I'm glad he did because it cleared up some wrong assumptions by the first radiologist, but also revealed some definite issues that need to be explored further. Last week, this doctor called me directly. I can tell you that when a doctor is picking up the phone to call you on their own to discuss your radiology report and upcoming procedures and telling you that he hand-picked your surgeon, you know you better listen closely.
I got the call last week as I was heading to mediation for a lawsuit involving our house that had been destroyed by Hurricane Ike in 2008. Turns out, we had hired schemers who we were led to believe were Public Adjusters, so now I am dealing with that on top of everything else, plus a marriage that is disintegrating with threats to take away the things that mean the most to me. First, there are threats of doing what he can to prevent me from attending my daughter's wedding and next are threats to do his best to keep me from getting our acreage as part of the divorce, even though he doesn't want it, he wants to take steps to keep me from having it as well.
Then, to know that my youngest daughter is dealing with her own health issues and I cannot even make the trip to be with her during this time is pure agony.
Things seem to be pouring down, but I keep my faith and know that all of this external chaos cannot touch the peaceful joy within me that is still breathing and looking forward to better days.
I've been around the block enough times to know that better days are usually ahead, so it's good to never give up. Never!
It is regretful that so much is happening at once, but there is great joy mixed in the middle of it all...my daughter getting married is something that I have to cling to as other areas are a struggle. Getting to see her be married is one of my greatest delights, even though there is someone who would love to yank that possibility away from me. I've never had that kind of hateful thinking, so it's hard for me to understand. However, I will not let their sinister intentions interfere with my capacity to still experience joy in the middle of heartache.
I've already been able to make it past massive hurdles, so these in front of me are of little consequence to what I've already faced and conquered. In fact, a few of these hurdles in front of me now will soon be behind me and never able to present itself as a problem again.
Even though I am not looking forward to a hospital admission and am feeling a bit nervous about all that I will be facing, I am glad to be given the chance to get the worries of any potential problems behind me...the doctors will handle anything they see and I am hoping their expertise will only contribute to my increasing good health.
As for today, I better get back on top of that MRI of the brain that I was supposed to have so long ago. The nosebleeds are here with a vengeance and I don't want to go through more days of having to rush around trying to handle an internal busted pipe that is creating a mess. I hope it is simply a vessel irritated and that the irritation is not a chain reaction of something else --- I always opt for the most simple explanation!
For those of you out there who are facing your own hurdles that seem to be piling up on you, remember that you can get past all of them by facing them straight on and just doing what you can, day by day, to make a dent into the situation. It might be too overwhelming to deal with it all at one time or it might not be possible, but set your eyes beyond the hurdle, to the time when it will eventually be a part of your past. New hurdles will always come and that's why it is good to handle them as soon as you can, to prevent the pile-up. If I had done the brain MRI when it was ordered, I would have one less pile on my plate to scrape clean. As it is, I will do my best to do some catching up and to even get ahead of the game so I can be more prepared to enjoy each good day to the fullest.
And for good news, as I close out this post that is taking me FOREVER to write...I just got a confirmation that my brain MRI is scheduled early tomorrow morning, so that part will soon be finished and might help to find the source of these serious nosebleeds that catch me completely off guard. I'm taking my steps, bit by bit, to pass more hurdles!
I am wishing all of you the blessing of contentment with spurts of joy that will be so strong as to overshadow all else. To me, that is the best that life can give us.
|This past Sunday, on my way to a memorial for|
an old friend. Treasure life while you can!