#46 - Yucky is Yuk

Over the past week, I've been going through an especially rough time in life and it's taking a huge toll on my health. The toll for me means having to stay close to the bathroom because of vomiting and yes...dreaded diarrhea. My body has gone into a purging mode. It won't accept anything. This is why I purposefully keep on extra weight --- I've learned the hard way that I can lose weight faster than most anyone I know. Yet, I've never known anyone else, face-to-face, who also has Addison's. So far, I am losing approximately 1 pound per day, at least. I have extra padding on my body, but when the weight starts to consistently drop without me being able to stop it, that's when I know this disease has power. I am battling to fight back, to fight the disease within my own body so that I won't end up looking like a weak light-weight. I've been there in that place for too many years of my life; I did not like it. I am a strange woman, I actually like the extra 30 pounds because it makes me feel more present and more able to do battle with this disease. My reserves have become important to me. Seeing myself start to wither so quickly is not comforting.

For the past week, I've barely been able to eat anything and have absolutely no appetite whatsoever, another great symptom of Addison's in motion. Logically, I know I need to eat, but my body screams that it does not want food at all. Since I know the body is in Addison's-mode, I find something little and nutritious to simply give fuel to my body and force myself to swallow the calories. Still, I am sickened by any food item touching my tongue. Even fluids taste disgusting; everything seems to leave a horrible after-taste and is hard to get down. All foods in my pantry might as well be chunks of cardboard. For one week, the desire to eat is completely missing while at the same time I am vomiting and having diarrhea. This combination equals the body starting to eat itself.

Several pounds less on my FREE weight-loss plan finds me feeling weak and in a foul-mood. Handling ordinary day to day crap is not so easy when your body remains engaged to fully rebel against you. Some people get knocked off their rear by a vicious virus and they suffer intensely, yet are so glad to hit recovery mode. They get to look over their shoulder at the virus and keep walking away. We don't. Sometimes, during these Addison's moments, I miss the old me. I mourn for her. I want her to come back. My pep talk then begins...telling myself the regular things, be thankful, you've nearly died from this so you know how bad it can get, things can turn around tomorrow, hang in there. But, this time I am hitting bottom hard and my bounce-back is not as bouncy. Life is changing for me on many levels; not having the love and support I expected during this very difficult time certainly adds to my sadness and less-bouncy ability. Still, I keep going, knowing better days will be ahead ---- there just might be less of me to share with those who really love me. As long as I can make it through these bouts without lasting damage and without being forced into the hospital, then I am actually pretty darn happy. With Addison's, your joy is on a tad different level than most can understand.

Yes, I have been doubling and even tripling my meds for proper stress dosing as required for Adrenal Insufficiency / Addison's patients. But, these steps are not always a simple solution. I've had long stretches of time that find this disease rather easy to manage, then other times hit where the disease is like a snapping pitbull coming after you while you keep jumping out of reach of its jaws, but it is an exhausting and terrifying process when you discover the pitbull won't back down and you have no where safe to turn. All you can do is keep doing your best to protect yourself from further harm. So, leveling out and managing our illness, especially during rough patches is not necessarily a snap. Going through the ups and downs of this disease can be exhausting in itself. We with Addison's / Adrenal Insufficiency can often end with feeling as if we are watching our body as it is being controlled by an uninvited "foreigner" and this can be scary, depressing and humbling. Compared to so many conditions, this one definitely is unique because it loves to put our potential fragility in our face so often. I have always been fiercely independent, physically and emotionally strong and able to heal quickly, til I got Addison's. Things may have changed, but I am not necessarily worse off. I may have lost a lot of who I am when I developed this weird disease, but I also discovered more beauty in this world, more about myself and I learned to savor every good moment beyond description. So, I'd have to conclude that I've gained more than I've lost, but the struggle is ever-present.